The Story of Us

Discover Your Relationship Dynamics

Hi. I'm Francois.

For many years I've been guiding couples through this assessment in my consulting room. It's a kind of map. It helps you see the world you each grew up in, the dynamics it set in motion, and the dance the two of you have been doing ever since.

This is the digital version of the booklet, with the same exercises, but now your answers gather themselves into your summary automatically. Take your time with it. There are no right answers, only honest ones.

Much love,
Francois Esterhuizen

PRESENTED BY

Francois Esterhuizen

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Before you begin

A small thing first. This assessment works best when both partners complete it on their own, so I can match the two of you up. The two stories will later inform the work we do together. I need both of your email addresses.

Your details

Your first name Your email address Your partner's email address

Important. Please ask your partner to use this exact email when they do their own copy. That's how I'll know your two assessments belong together.

Your answers are saved on this device as you go. Nothing is sent anywhere until you reach the end and choose to download or share your summary.

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{{nameGreeting}}we begin with the people who shaped your earliest world. The ones who fed you, held you, set the temperature of the home. The way they showed up, and the ways they didn't, lives quietly inside the way you love today.

Over the next few exercises you'll sketch a picture of each caregiver, then notice which feelings, frustrations, fears and desires kept repeating. You'll do this for your father figure, your mother figure, and, if there was one, one other caregiver who shaped you (a grandparent, an aunt, a teacher).

Stay relaxed. Curious. No right answers, only honest ones.

Much love,
Francois

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Romantic Love

Exercise A: Profile of caregivers

Write down each caregiver's characteristics as you remember them from your childhood. Use short adjectives such as tender, aloof, absent, warm, loving, cold. Separate items with commas or new lines.

→ Stuck for words? Browse the list of or the list of . Click any word to add it to the column you're working in.

Father figure

Mother figure

Positive

Negative

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Exercise B: Positive emotions

Write down the most positive emotions you experienced with each caregiver from your childhood. Use single words like happy, safe, loved. Separate with commas.

→ Need ideas? .

Father

Mother

Other

After you've completed the exercise, click on the most intense feeling for each column. The chip will turn teal to show it's selected.

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Exercise C: Frustrations

Write down all the negative behaviours and events you experienced with each caregiver, as you remember them from your childhood. Keep each item short. A phrase, not a paragraph.

Father

Mother

Other

Click the worst experience in each column. The chip will turn teal.

Then click that worst-of-the-worst again to mark it as your single worst experience across all three columns. It will turn orange.

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Exercise D: Negative emotions

What negative emotions did you experience over and over with each caregiver? Use single words like anger, hurt.

→ Need ideas? .

Father

Mother

Other

Click your worst emotion from your childhood. Pick one across all three columns.

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Exercise E: Fear

What was your deepest fear with each caregiver? For example: rejection, oppression, domination, suffocation, being ignored, being used, exclusion.

Father

Mother

Other

Click your most intense fear. Pick one across all three columns.

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Exercise F: Desire

What was your deepest unfulfilled desire from each caregiver? For example: a desire for love, for attention, that they should have supported me…

Father

Mother

Other

Click your three strongest desires. Up to three chips across all columns.

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Relationship Image

Here are all the qualities you described in Exercise A, gathered into one figure. The positive items are in the upper half, the negative items in the lower.

My includes…

Positive

Negative

Click the three best qualities (in the top half). They will turn teal.

Click the three worst qualities (in the bottom half). They will turn teal.

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Summary

{{nameGreeting}}read the seven sentences below slowly. They're made from your own answers, sewn together into one story about the world you grew up in.

My was to seek out my caregivers. They were occasionally as follows (items you marked in Relationship Image, bottom half):
… and with whom I often felt (items you marked in Exercise D):
… because they sometimes frustrated me by doing the following (items you marked in Exercise C):
… which caused me to fear the following (items you marked in Exercise E):
I wish they could have always been (items you marked in Relationship Image, top half):
… so that I could receive the following (items you marked in Exercise F):
… and always feel (items you marked in Exercise B):

→ You can stop here if you like. This is the end of Part One. Your answers are saved on this device, so you can close this and come back later to finish Part Two, even weeks from now.

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{{nameOkay}}you've finished Part One. Now we turn from your childhood to the relationship you're in today.

You'll notice something as we go. The same patterns of feeling, frustration, fear and desire from Part One often reappear here, just dressed in different clothes. That's not failure. That's the work.

In this part you'll sketch your partner the way you experience them, and then we'll look honestly at what really happens when the two of you collide.

Much love,
Francois

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Exercise G: Your partner's profile

Write down your partner's positive and negative traits as you experience them. Not how other people see them. Your experience is what we're looking for here. Same idea as Exercise A. Short, descriptive words.

→ Stuck for words? Browse the list of or the list of .

Positive characteristics

Negative characteristics

Click the three traits that are best for you (left column).

Click the three traits that are worst for you (right column).

(G1) What I receive from my partner and appreciate most is…

(G2) What I need the most from my partner but don't get is…

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Exercise H: Wishes and desires

For each prompt below, write down everything that comes up. Separate items with commas. Then click up to three in each list that feel the most intense or powerful for you.

H1. Frustrating behaviour: When you…

H2. Feelings: …I feel…

H3. Reaction: …and typically react by…

H4. Fears: …to hide my fears from you…

H5. Desires: What I really want is…

(a) To conquer my fear (from H4), I need…

(b) To get everything I desire (from H5), I need a partner who ideally has the following positive attributes…

(c) With a person like that, I will feel the following positive emotions…

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Overall Summary

{{nameGreeting}}this is the bigger picture. Your childhood story and your current relationship, woven together. The last seven sentences describe the dance: the loop the two of you keep falling into. Read it slowly. This is what's worth talking about, with each other and with me.

In my , I am attracted to my partner who sometimes can be as follows (items you marked in Exercise G, right column):
… with whom I often feel the following (items you marked in Exercise H2):
… because they sometimes frustrate me by (items you marked in Exercise H1):
… which reveals my worst fears, such as (items you marked in Exercise H4):
I wish my partner would always be as follows (items you marked in Relationship Image, top half; items you marked in Exercise G, left column; and Exercise H(b)):
… and always give me the following (items you marked in Exercise H5):
… especially (items you marked in Exercise F, plus G1 and G2):
… so I can always feel as follows (items you marked in Exercise B and Exercise H(c)):
… if they don't give it, I feel (items you marked in Exercise H2):
… and I typically try to protect myself by responding with (items you marked in Exercise H3):
… for fear of (items you marked in Exercise H4):
When I respond like that, I invite my partner to be (point 1):
… instead of (point 5):
… which leaves me without (points 6 and 7):
… and without the feelings of (point 8):

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Thank you

{{nameThankYou}}you've just told yourself a fuller story about how you love. That's not a small thing.

Bring your summary to your next session, and I will help you unpack it further. You can either print it out or have it open on your phone when we meet.

If you haven't booked your next session yet, you can do that inside the Get Close program.

Much love,
Francois

Go to Get Close →

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